Modest Goddess ♔ Vicarious Vixen

Read the Printed Word!

Life of an actor is not all lights camera and action.

If you don’t know, I’m an actress. I’ve known what I’ve wanted to do since I was a child. However, I never thought it would be an uphill battle with very little payoff.

When you’re on your own, there’s so much that you can do without the thought of others. Now that I’m in a relationship and have two cats, it’s not very easy just to pick up and go like I’d want to. I love my boyfriend and adore my cats, but I’ve had to rethink opportunities because of our life together. 

My aunt and uncle have so graciously offered for me to move in with them so that I can focus on my career while saving up money to move somewhere I can be successful. The bad news is my boyfriend (and more than likely my cats) will be getting the short end of the deal.

Now, if we weren’t currently living together, I could somehow manage to deal with the five hour distance that would be separating us. We’ve built a life together, though, at the tender ages of 21 and (soon to be) 24. I was born and raised in the buckle of what’s considered the “Bible Belt,” so majority of my family is very much so religious. If this tells you anything, my sister and brother-in-law refused to let both of us stay the night with them under the same roof because we weren’t engaged or married. The point here is since he’s not my husband, the living invitations would only apply to be and my non-existent husband. No negotiating allowed. I’ll get to live with my family rent free while my devoted boyfriend will be saddled with my two cats and a hefty $900 bill each month.

Where we currently live, it’s the most desirable price of $305 a month for EVERYTHING, and we’re still struggling to make end’s meet. I live paycheck to paycheck, and it’s getting to the point where he does, too. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering, “Why not just let him stay here, get a better job, and join me once I can stand on my own?” We talked about that and it seems we couldn’t deal with the distance. We live in a town where I’ve exhausted all petty job opportunities and where there are no viable career options for either of us. Either way, we need to move.

Something tells me I’m going to have to make a very difficult decision sooner than I thought I would have to.

People keep telling me happiness is a state of mind. People keep asking me why I’m not happy, why I won’t be happy until I achieve what I want to do. Why I can’t find things to do, hobbies to fill the time. Why I can’t save money up to put towards all these things.
I’m in my own way.

School is holding me down. I’m not saving money because I can’t! I barely scrape by! Even when I had THREE jobs it wasn’t possible. The one week I said, screw it, and auditioned for a movie being filmed an hour or so away, I was hit with a huge pay cut and almost wasn’t able to pay my bills that month.

My generation has lost the idea of following our dreams because it’s become such a challenge to survive, that our dreams have become the ability to survive.

However, I want so much more than just to survive. I need to perform. I need that release. I don’t want to go to school. I’ve never wanted to go to college, but it’s become such a requirement that I can’t avoid it. I also can’t dream of moving to a city where I can both go to school and follow my dreams because the bill would kill me. I can’t pull out loans because if I did, I wouldn’t be able to pay those off even if I “made it big” in the arts, because the arts don’t get paid nearly enough today.

I’m stuck! I’m stuck in a town that couldn’t care less about my career. A town that I can barely get by in. A town I can’t get out of because I’m too busy dreaming of a day where I’ll be able to survive on my own. A town where I have literally two friends. A town where everyone but me is making progress in his/her career.

That’s my I’m not happy. I could settle, I could be comfortable, but I refuse.

I wonder what it’s like to have a boyfriend who actually considers the time he spends with you fun and not a chore or something he’s obligated to do until that duty is over and he can go have fun doing “the one thing he does to have fun.”




"why dont you just give him a chance"

idk because im not physically or mentally attracted to him and ‘but he likes you’ or ‘but hes really nice’ isnt going to change the fact that im not interested

Damn, I don’t think women know how much that really hurts

you know what else hurts?????????? getting abused for being a ‘bad person’ because you didnt want to date somebody that you werent interested in

A woman doesn’t owe you anything no matter what kind of person you may be. If someone is not interested, that should be enough! Yes, it may hurt, but that does not constitute you badmouthing that person who may not be interested. If you’ve been rejected multiple times, perhaps you’re looking for someone in the wrong place! Maybe it’s not your time. Patience makes all the difference when it comes to relationships. For instance, I didn’t date in high school. I was rejected, bullied, and too focused on important things to care! Yeah, it sucked when you’d finally muster up the courage to tell him you liked them, but that means it WASN’T MEANT TO BE!!! My sophomore year of college, I found the most amazing man who is now my one and only boyfriend, and all this waiting has made me appreciate and love him more than any crush before him combined. Patience and persistence to keep looking will be your virtue.

(via diiscolemonade)

“You’re alternative in every aspect with the exception of the drug use.”

—   Daniel (once on my taste in music)

I’m honestly so ready to feel as if my life is in order. No matter what I do, SOMETHING happens to me financially and any money I have saved up is diminished.

I’m so done with living like this. I’ve been told where I currently live is the worst place to actually make money, and I’m truly starting to believe it.

It’s killing me.

I’m getting really really REALLY tired of dealing with selfish, rude, and grody roommates wherever I choose live.

Honestly, what does it take to get a set of roommates who are mature, social, and who actually contribute to the well being of others as well as themselves?

I have one absolutely free day off this week (today) and my boyfriend chooses to spend it with everyone but me. Lovely.

It’s nice to know that although he usually spends most of his time at home when I’m at work, he chooses the one day that I’m actually here to…well… not be here.

His excuse? “Oh, what would we do if I spent the day here with you? I’d be bored.”

So nice to know I’m a boring person. Honestly, though? I’m really starting to think I’m just boring.

That super awks moment when you’re friends on FB with the director of the film you’ve recently been cast in and you see that he has plenty of time to take selfies and make videos of him “freestyle rapping,” but he’s “way too busy” to sit down and make a filming schedule that you’ve been asking for for a month….


Hey, Jamie, what's your favorite red wine?


The blood of my enemies.



the thing to realize here is that conservatives find the idea of paying workers a livable wage so absurd that they make hyperbolic comparisons like this

because fifteen dollars and hour and a hundred thousand dollars an hour both mean the same thing to them; more than you deserve

^That commentary is very important.

Allow me to put my two cents in, if you don’t mind. I’ve lived on my own now for almost four years, and it has been the most brutal time of my life. I am only responsible for rent, utilities, internet, gas, groceries, and (if I magically have any left over) my own leisure.

I’ve moved four times just to get my rent low enough to actually afford. I am the world’s worst utilities Nazi to the point where I’m pretty sure it annoys my roommates. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around why the hell we still have to pay out the ass for internet because now we all need it for businesses and school. I only drive when it is absolutely necessary…and I mean absolutely. I’ve given up the idea of eating healthy because I can only afford the “crappy” food. The cherry on top? I usually have to convince people to have a night in so I don’t have to feel guilty for going out with my friends.

I know in life we all have to make sacrifices, but when I sunk so low as to having to stop taking birth control (for my periods, mind you) because my parents insurance shot through the roof, I knew things were bad. I work two jobs that both pay barely over minimum wage AND I attend school full time now after having to take a semester off because we just couldn’t swing it. I’m now thinking of taking up a third job just to try and make it by and to save enough money to put myself in a better city. I’m only 21 years of age and have frequent break downs about how I’m going to pay my bills and resorted to opening up a credit card just to do so. Oh, and that was no easy feat either. The banker looked at me concerned and asked me how I was making it by on my income, how I was able to live on such a small amount. At the end of it all he looked at me and told me there was nothing he could do for me because I’d at least have to be making another $700-$800 a month for them to even consider me as a credit candidate. IF I WAS MAKING THAT MUCH MORE A MONTH I WOULDN’T NEED A CREDIT CARD! However, a week or so later one appeared on my account, so I guess they decided to take that chance on me.

I had even thought, at one time, about giving up my two amazing cats that I strongly consider my companions and, at times, my two fluffy adopted kids.I know I’d be crazy if I didn’t have them to comfort me when things seemed bleak. However, they are living, breathing creatures that need food, entertainment, pet permits, and vet visits.That adds up, but I couldn’t bare to watch them walk away with someone else thinking I gave them up because I didn’t love them. I rescued both of them from awful situations, and I have no intentions of putting them in another questionable one.

My parents have been so gracious enough to take care of my insurance bills, but that’s because I’m on their policy. I can call them when I’m in desperate need of something, but to me that’s the lowest of the lows. Do you think I like taking money away from my parent’s mortgage payment? Taking food out of my two younger siblings mouths? Making my dad feel guilty because after working miserable jobs for years he’s finally said screw that and followed his dream? I miss being able to talk to my parents about anything but bills and money. I’ve just now stopped dreading picking up the phone when my parents call because I’d been out of work for a few months and they wanted to know why I hadn’t found a job. I’m really tired of feeling like I’m going to cry when my dad asks me what my plans are for my future because I can’t tell him because I don’t know if I can afford my future or not.

Now, my parents aren’t poor, but they also cannot support two households and stay afloat. I’m in that very large bubble of people where my parents are “too rich” for financial aid, but “too poor” to be able to support me like the paperwork says they should. My father has done all that’s in his power to put me through school so that I can graduate debt free and be free to fully chase after my career. Don’t you know that I used to have dreams of running off and auditioning my ass off until someone finally took a chance on me? Now I keep thinking how if I can’t afford a living expense bill of maybe $800 a month, how am I going to afford living in a big city like Chicago or New York?! It’s come to the point where I will now claim myself on my taxes so that I can get financial aid on my own and take some of the worry off my parents. I didn’t work hard enough in high school to earn a scholarship and I beat myself up about that every year. I am nowhere near incompetent, but school doesn’t always come easy for me.

I thank the universe everyday that I have a boyfriend who cares enough about me to drag me along when I couldn’t make it myself. He bought me a bed and mattress when I had no furniture and didn’t want to bother my parents with such a bill. He’s provided me with food when I didn’t have the money to do so for myself. He’s been the best man he could be for me and although sometimes I take that for granted, at the end of the day I’m more appreciative for that than he’ll ever know. So many of our arguments stem from financial issues, and I hope to keep myself afloat so he doesn’t have to worry about me as much. I have full intentions of paying him back one day, and I only hope that I can.

The real issue I have here is why $15 an hour seems so obscure to so many people. Base level jobs are designed for people like me who are working their way up, people who are putting themselves through college to make a better person of themselves, people who are doing everything in their power to finally reach their career goals. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but if you don’t even give them a fighting chance, if you force each and everyone of those who have great potential but maybe not full scholarships, full financial aid, or parents who can front the bill to go into debt that keeps them chained down for years to come, aren’t you responsible for squashing majority of the chance this country has to grow?

I yearn for the day when you can actually accomplish your dreams again without the worry that it won’t be able to pay your bills. I beg for the times where you were able to do what you love and flourish instead of doing what you can and floundering. I am a very firm believer that you should do what you love and not just what you have to. Life is our gift and it’s entirely too short to go about miserable with a job you hate in a town you despise in a situation you can never get out of. 

So, no. Don’t pay me “a hundred thousand dollars” an hour because I don’t need that much, don’t joke about paying me in “cocaine and unicorns” because I don’t have time for your jokes. Pay me enough to get myself to a better life and I’ll be happy because I’m not a greedy conservative, I’m just a woman with the dream of making it on my own.

(Source: -teesa-, via octupusjam)


Me: ...are you commando?<br>

Daniel (firmly):


Me: it because&nbsp; you're out of boxers?<br>

Daniel (firmly):


*giggle fit*</p>

So, a thing happened to me recently.

     I work at a local interior design store where people have the choice of doing in-store-pick-ups from us. Well, a few days ago, a nice gentleman comes in and tells me he’s there to pick up an order. I go through the process and collect the proper paperwork while he and I make small talk, and while he’s signing, I notice him put something extra. I think nothing of it as he slides the paperwork back over to me, but as he does, he says, “That’s my number down there at the bottom, call or text anytime.” I knew as soon as I looked up at him, he must have seen a deer in headlights, but I managed to stammer out an, “Okay, sure,” not thinking to tell him I have a boyfriend, but I am extremely flattered. Needless to say, for the next few hours my peers were giggling and “Ohh la laing" about it, but it didn’t mean anything to me because I’m taken.

     However, that’s not the interesting part. He comes in today, which has been a few days later, and approaches me again. He said, “I want a do-over.” I couldn’t help but smile and feel even more so flattered than I already was by him. He continued with, “I realized when I left I just gave you my number and left like I was God’s gift to woman, and that’s not the kind of guy I am.” I smiled and told him, “You seem like such a nice guy, but my boyfriend (who had earlier walked in the door to visit me) who is walking around as we speak.” He handled it all very well and we continued to give each other well wishes and we wished each other a goodnight.

     All of this caught me off guard because I’m really just not used to having that happen to me frequently…or at all. It truly caught me off guard because, many people aren’t aware of this, Daniel and I met on Facebook through a mutual friend. I’m not used to flirting in person or understanding that someone is trying to flirt with me. It was just a nice feeling being seen as something special.

     My point in all of this is that MY OPINION is that more men should conduct themselves in a gentlemanly manner such as this. He realized he may have offended me and wanted to make things right. Maybe that’s just me silently hoping that inside every man is a gentleman waiting to take his rightful place, but that’s just me.

Overall, he made my weekend a little brighter and for that I am grateful.


Pen & Paper

Well, unlike a lot of Americans who are looking for international pen pals, this time I’m looking for another pen pal that also lives in America.

I’m doing this for many reasons:
1. I have plenty overseas pen pals already.
2. The postage is really expensive and I’d like to be able to afford to send little gifts and such to all my lovely pen pals. :-)

A little about myself:

I was born and raised in North Carolina, but I’m absolutely a city gal at heart. Although I still reside in NC, I have plans on moving (very soon) to Chicago.

I’m currently majoring in General Education, but I have an anticipated major of Musical Theatre. I live to perform for an audience and have plans to make a living out of doing so, no matter what it takes. In fact, if all else fails, I plan on working as a face character (Belle or Snow White) in Disney World. I absolutely adore all things Disney and you can probably catch me humming a tune or two from the movies at least once a day.

I have a cat named Edgar, he was an anniversary gift from my boyfriend, Daniel. Both of them make life so much easier.

I am an avid reader, and would be interested in doing a book exchange, but only if you return the book once you’re finished. :-) I greatly value my books.

If you have any other questions, please just send me a lovely ask. I hope to hear from you soon!