Modest Goddess ♔ Vicarious Vixen

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"Hate This & I’ll Love You," Muse

Bonjour,

     Well, it’s certainly been a long time since I sat down and posted what’s been going on in my life, and I figured as I sit here in the produce stand without any customers, that I’d inform those who actually care how things have been.

     I’m guessing from the nature of my post these past few months, it’s obvious that I’ve been going through a few personal things that I truly don’t care to tell, but I will say that I’m doing much better. I’ve started a new novel, and that’s helping out quite a bit to take my mind off of things. To the person that caused most of this issue, I’m not angry with you, I don’t wish any harm upon you, and I hope you find what you’re looking for; I guess it just wasn’t me, and that’s okay. It’s a shame we’ve stopped talking, but I suppose that’s what you wanted, so it shall be that way. Best wishes, love.

     I will say that there just might be some hope on the horizon for me in the…guy department, but I refuse to get my hopes up, because that’s what caused the last few months to happen. I’m taking this very slow, I’m getting to know this person, and if something comes out of it, wonderful; if nothing comes out of it, that’s fine. He seems to be a wonderful guy, and I’m sure he’d be a great friend if nothing else.

     My job is going decent. I do wish that I could get more hours making coffee, but I’ll take what I can get and be grateful for the money that I’m earning. I’ve met some pretty awesome people and have hopes of meeting more. I still don’t feel quite at home with the co-workers, but I know that will change over time. I’ll have another job come the end of this month at a local Halloween store as their monster make-up specialist for the second year in a row. I’m so happy they liked my work enough to allow me to return. It’s truly an honor and I love that job so very much.
There’s not much to say about the school department seeing as it hasn’t started. I really need to get on registering for classes, though, but some issues with this and that have caused me to delay the matter. However, classes start in a few days, so I really need to get on that…

     I’ve recently moved as well to a new apartment in the same complex as I’ve always been in. I love it. I have one roommate and will have another by the end of this month. She seems really nice, and I hope that over time we’ll become closer as I was with my last roommate. I miss her, though. A lot. Anyway, I like the new place, it’s laid out differently, and I’m on the second floor, which is nice.

     I feel like this month has really given me a fresh start, and I hope that I don’t mess this up as I did before. Things are going well, and I don’t want that to change. I can’t wait for school to start back up so all my friends will be back in town, because God knows I’ve missed them more than words can say.

      Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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Today Sucked: A Rant

Before I start this, I want the record to show that I am extremely grateful to finally have a job again.

Work started for me at seven this morning, so I had to wake up at six…and I am the furthest thing from a morning person as anyone can get. (Yes, I know I’ll have to get over that, and I will, but that doesn’t change the fact that I HATE mornings.) Anyway, I woke up with a stomach ache, but toughed it out because I need the money and it wasn’t like I was vomiting or anything. So, I show up at work to see that my least favorite employee is working.

See, I don’t like this person, because she refuses to properly train me (I’m still learning the ropes of this new job), but becomes furious with me if I can’t help her because I don’t know how. Maybe if she would take the time to either write down the proportions, or show me what she’s doing, I’d be able to help her later on. Duh. Also, she has a severe attitude even though I’m super nice to everyone.

To continue, whomever closed last night apparently left us without a decent amount of things we needed to have, so that caused troubles. Then, the drive through kept acting up for me due to the fact that I had to learn how to work it on my own, I apparently made a sandwich wrong after she had to deal with something because I had to learn how to make that…on my own, and someone’s order was forgotten which for some reason gave her all the more reason to be angry at me even though she was the one making all of the sandwiches while I worked the register. I tried to stay near the cash register because I’m pretty decent at that, but I still had questions, or I would have to venture off to help with something else. She just makes me feel extremely stupid, annoying, and useless even though I’m trying very hard to soak in all this information.

I have a feeling that these girls just don’t like me, and that makes me really sad because I was really hoping to get along with everyone and make some new friends. I have this feeling because I walked up to the front from doing dishes (because they needed to be done and it was something she sent me to do to get me out of her hair), and she and another employee were talking about something, but stopped suddenly when they saw me. Seriously, it almost made me cry. I’m trying my absolute best to be my best at this job, I really am.

I also felt really bad for the only guy that works with us, because he had to come in early due to the fact that she had to leave for another job, and I had to go register for classes. He’s really cool, from what I can tell, and I’ll work with him on Sunday to find out for sure. :) Although our shifts were done, we were trying to give the next girl a bit of slack because she had to made some more things we were going to need. I just felt bad, because I’d hate to have to come in early.

Speaking of registering for classes. Here it is so close to being the end of registration, and I have yet to register, so I figure I’d stop by the college and get it done. Little did I know that I have a fee to pay before I can register for next semester. This SUCKS because a TON of classes that I need to take are already full, and I don’t want to waste my money on filler classes that won’t mean anything to my major. UGH.

UGH, it was just a really stressful day, and I’m beyond happy to be home. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

      Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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"Ping Pong," Bassnectar

Bonjour,

     Not a lot has gone on at all around here. I’ve been out of school for a few weeks now, still jobless, still broke, and still in a funk. However, I’m trying my damnedest to enjoy the little things, to keep going until something great happens.

     As for theatre, because, after all, that is what this blog was originally intended for, I’ve honestly given up on trying to find community theatre here. My father thinks I should start one up, but I fear that will be so much work for me that I won’t be able to enjoy theatre as I intend to. Theatre is my escape, and running my own company would cause it to become a burden.

     On the music side of things, I’m still looking for someone to form a duet with. There’s this awesome open mic gig every Friday night at a local cafe, but I have yet to go for it. I realize the career I’ve chosen isn’t an easy one, but life it too short to focus on what’s easy. This is my passion, and I intend on waking up every morning loving what I do and doing what I love.

     To my pen pals, I suck. I’m sorry, really haven’t forgotten about you, having to job hunt everyday kind of puts a dent in free time.

     Going any further into my boring life would most likely cause you death, so I’ll just end this here. Thanks for reading.

      Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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"Falling Slowly," Once: The Musical

Bonjour,

It’s been months since I posted something personal, but it’s because there’s been so much going on.

College has been overwhelming as hell, and I’m so entirely happy that it’s almost over. I didn’t do as well as I wanted, but it’s over, and I swear to myself that I’ll do better next year. 

I’ve been job hunting because I was recently fired from my job. You see, college has been so overwhelming that it interfered with my punctuality, thus causing me to be late to work. I was late one too many times, I guess, so they let me go. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do, who is going to hire someone that has been fired? I’d love to tell them my side of the story, but due to the shitty people in the world, who is going to believe me? It’s whatever, I’ll figure it out. I can’t wait until my passion is my career.

As some of you may have noticed, I’ve been in an interesting mood for a while now. I live alone and I hardly know anyone, so it’s hard not to feel lonely at night when there’s no one to talk to. There have also been a few personal things going on in my life that haven’t been helping my emotional situation. More than anything, I want someone’s arms around me, I want to be someone’s first choice, someone’s everything. Fuck, I want to be loved by someone that isn’t required to do so. I look around and see all these happy couples, and it makes me sick.

As for theatre and such, there is none. I used to be able to put all this shit that I’m feeling into my shows, use it as motivation and such, but since there is nothing to be involved in here, it’s all bubbling over into my life. Theatre is my escape, and I’m currently trapped.

I’ve severely neglected my pen pals, and I apologize to all of them for being such a bad pen pal. I like to write when I’m in a good mood, and when I’m not busy, but neither of those situations have been present in my life. I promise to write all of you as soon as possible, and I haven’t forgotten about any of you. You’re all amazing, and I hope you don’t hate me.

However, despite what’s going on, I’ll be just fine, things could be so much worse than they are. I’ll find a summer job, I’ll do better in school, and I’ll find an outlet for all this shit I’m feeling. As for my love life, well, I don’t know when that ever will improve, and I’m giving up. I’m done looking for someone, if there’s someone out there that wants me, they’ll have to make it known because I’m done getting my heart broken. Sure, it’ll still sting to watch others fall in love, to watch people experience the one feeling I desire over anything else, but I can’t wait around forever, I can’t dwell on something that’s not going to happen, someone that doesn’t want me the way I want them.

      Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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Movie Magic

Bonjour,

It’s making me extremely angry that people are saying “The Iron Lady” didn’t deserve their best make up award, but rather, Harry Potter deserved it.

Allow me to tell you this: Old age make up is the most difficult movie make up there is in the business. For them to have so flawlessly executed the art of old age the way they did caused them to win the award. When it comes to monster, or creature, make up, there’s more room for mistakes. Now I’m not saying that it is not difficult to create creatures, but any make up artist will tell you that there is no room for mistakes in old age make up. It’s hard work for everyone who is involved in the making of movie magic, so get over yourselves and just enjoy the stories!

Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life,”
Jamie Alex

[insert sad, bitter-sweet song title here]

Bonjour,

     I feel as if slacking on my personal posts, but I can not help it. Why? Not a lot seems to be happening in my personal life; it seems like all the excitement and adventure is in the books I read and the TV shows I watch. However, I am going to try to tell you a little about what is going on in my life at the moment. Shall we?

     College life is just that, college life. I do not party, drink, or do drugs, so was pretty reliant on my roommate for those Doctor Who marathons along with various snack items. Second semester is here and I am still pretty friend-less because I am just not sure how to put myself out there. I guess I am also pretty picky about who I become friends with as well. I am just really awkward around people that I know nothing about. It was so easy with theatre people; I already knew we at least had ONE thing in common. I will figure it out, but for now I spend my weekends with Netflix and snacks.

     I referred to my roommate in the past tense in the last paragraph because she moved out today. Due to money issues, she moved to FL to finish out her education. Honestly, it is horrid. I already feel entirely too lonely and it is not a pleasant feeling. I hate money! I wish I was rich so I could just pay for her rent. She quickly became my best friend, and I was so entirely lucky that we got along so well. For those of you that are unaware, she and I met the same day we signed the lease to live together. We found out that we are basically the same person. I will never have another roommate as awesome as she was. Listen to me, I’m talking like she is dead. :{D She promised to write and visit, but it is just not the same. sigh Now, I live completely alone, have barely any friends here, and want to sleep away the next two years.

     With a new year came a new mind-set. I know with the career I am going into, you have to look a certain way, and be able to keep up with the high energy dances. After a serious talk with my father, I have decided to get back in the gym and get into shape. This is not an easy task due to the judgmental eyes of all the athletes that live in my apartment complex. Everyone has their own way of getting into shape; I am just starting, so I might be a little slower than you on the treadmill, but at least I am in the gym trying.

     On the positive side, I have new pen pals! Don’t get me wrong, I adore my current pen pals, I am just utterly too impatient. It gives me something to do other than stare at Netflix and eat. I love making new friends in new places; it’s exciting to learn about other cultures. I also make all my envelopes and put a ton of work into each letter I send out, so it gives me a chance to put my creative side to work. Snail mail is the best!

      Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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Bonjour,

     So, I’m just gonna jump right into it: I’m a heterosexual female, but I know how to appreciate beautiful women. Would I kiss a girl? Yes. Would I be with a girl? Sure. I guess the technical term for this would be bi-curious? I don’t know. Just because I think these things does not make me lesbian, but why would it matter anyway?

     I say this because I’m sick of getting silly stupid looks when I see a girl and say, “Wow, she’s gorgeous,” or, “Her boobs look really great in that dress.” Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with me thinking that. Sorry if me being comfortable enough in my sexuality to compliment another woman is a problem for you. Get over it.

     What I’m trying to say is: I love penis, but I think boobs are hot. There. Get over it, people.

      Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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"Worlds Collide," The Mostar Diving Club

Bonjour,

     I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been watching sappy indie films or if it’s because I’m all emotional from…mother nature, but I’ve been thinking. People tell me all the time that my expectations for a boyfriend or even better, a husband, are unrealistic and unreasonable. The way I see it, all I’m asking for is someone that is as hopeless of a romantic as I am. Sure, there are going to be times when I want to rip his head off or scream at him, but that’s the beauty of real, true love. You might fight but in the end, all there is between you and him is love.

     I’m not going to lie, I have a list. It’s not a list of things I require from this guy but it’s a list of things that I hope God has considered when choosing my soul-mate. You know, I was about to go on and type my list, but no one needs to know what I want in a guy. That’s my business, no offence. I just hope that he’ll love me the way I know I’m going to love him: unyielding and hopelessly.

      Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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"Best Thing You Never Had," Beyonce

Bonjour,

     I’ll be honest, I usually don’t care if karma comes back to bite someone in the ass, especially if the reason it’s biting them in the ass is because they did me wrong. However, recent events have really gotten under my skin and I just can’t keep quiet about it.

     If you happen to follow my personal posts, you’ll know that a few months back, I, for lack of a better phrase, confessed my love for someone. Recently, this person has been posting statuses and tweets about how he’s so confused about another girl I’m guessing he wants to date. A few minutes ago, I went on twitter and saw he had re-tweeted a tweet about never being able to have what he truly wanted…blah blah blah…forever alone. Well, sir, let me enlighten you:

     You could’ve had something wonderful. You could have had someone that would have been hopelessly devoted to you. I would have been the best damn girlfriend you had ever had. Unlike the last girl you dated, who turned out to be a psycho, I might add, I would have trusted, encouraged, and been happy with you. It’s hilarious how pathetic you look chasing after this girl when all you would’ve had to do to get me would’ve been ask me out. I can’t believe you’re chasing after someone that clearly is unsure about you when you haven’t even given me the chance to prove that I just might be what you need in your life. Did I look that pathetic when I was chasing you? God, I hope not. Oh, and the cherry on top of all this, weren’t you the one that said you loved being single, and you didn’t want a girlfriend so that you could, basically, check out and flirt with every cute girl that walked by you? Hmm, I’m pretty sure that was you. Yeah, and that feeling you have in your chest right now, that deep unyielding tension that knocks you to your knees everytime you realize they’re not thinking about you? Now you know how I’ve felt for months. Feels great, doesn’t it? 

     You know, I may still have feelings for this guy, but I’m glad he and I never dated. My real man is out there somewhere and he’s better than this other guy would’ve ever been. I am a lady, and I deserve a gentlemen in every way. Like I said, I usually hate it when people post things like this but, man, it’s been grinding my gears for a while now.

      Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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"Unusual Way," Nine: The Musical

Bonjour,
     It’s been so long since I’ve posted something on my personal life. Things are, unfortunately, pretty boring around here. There’s absolutely nothing theatre or musical related going on in my life. It’s torture, seriously, I’m dying to get on the stage again. Anyway, other things are going on in my life, too, but what with musical theatre being such a big part of my life, I feel incomplete right now.

     Since my job at the Halloween store was only seasonal, I’ve been forced to get another job. I’ll say, though, that the Halloween store was the best job I’ve ever had. I got to gore myself up to showcase our madeup effects and because I got pretty good at it, I was asked to do makeup on Halloween for money. It’s a shame it’s not a year round job, seriously, it was amazing. Now I have a job at the post office; I haven’t started yet but Wednesday will begin my training. Some people might think that it’s going to be a boring job but I’m happy with it but, it’s going to be easy hours and since I have pen pals, I have a feeling I’ll be okay.

     Speaking of my pen pals, things with them have been going so well. I’m getting long with both of them so well that I actually want them to live closer so we could hang out! First, there was Andrea, she lives in NY and we have so very much in common. Letters from her always make me smile. Then, there was Jordan, he’s amazing too. Each time I see a green envelope in the mail, a huge smile spreads across my face. Those two are amazing and I can tell you that one day I hope to meet them in person. You guys rock.

     That’s really all there is going on in my life, other than school. I’ve made a few friends but I still miss theatre people like CRAZY. I’m grateful that the people I have met respect what I plan to do even if they’re not avid theatre-goers. Anyway, I’ll try to be better about updating you all that actually care, haha.

     Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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"Hollywood," Michael Bublé

Bonjour,

     I’m just going to take this post to rant about the music industry these days because I can. This means, if you don’t like rants and you’re going to shake your head at this post the entire time you read it, stop reading.

     I get asked all the time why I don’t like the music that is on the top 40 stations. I don’t like most of the music on the radio because 1) most of the shit that is on the radio is about sex, drugs, booze, and partying, 2) the lyrics are demeaning and I personally don’t want to know what the rapper likes to do behind closed doors to a woman he refers to as, “bitch,” “Ho,” “Freak,” or any other demeaning word a woman can be called, and 3) the dancing that goes along with these songs are basically sex with your clothes on or just silly looking!

     What makes me even more angry about all this is that women won’t even stand up for themselves. Female artists are just feeding the male need for a quick wank by dancing almost completely nude while singing about how classy they are. We’re loosing chivalry and romance in our generation and it makes me sick. Then there’s the fact that girls these days are wondering why they’re not getting respect when they’re dressing like hookers and buying into this crap. There are classy and suave ways to sing about sex and I find that way more attractive than saying, “dat ho went down on me…” Plus, where’s the mystery if you come straight out and say what you want?

     I’ll admit that some of the beats to these songs are catchy but if you listen to them, they’re all the SAME BEAT and the SAME FOUR CHORDS for every top 40 song. People, you’re basically listening to the same song with different lyrics. Originality has been left out in the cold and “artists” are beginning to take amazing songs and sampling them into a song that’s just…horrid.

     Besides, I don’t listen to the radio because they play the same songs over and over again. It’s sad that a song can come out today and two months from now it’s considered “old” because the dumb asses on the radio play it a million times. If I were a musician that took time to pour my feelings and passion into a single that I was about to put on the radio, I’d hate to think that it’ll be old news in a few weeks.

     Honestly, I think people should take a really good look at what they’re putting into their heads and actually attempt to find great music because, believe it or not, it actually exists! Here are some examples: Michael Bublé, Frank Sinatra, Florence and the Machine, Jason Mraz, Adele, Colbie Callait, Sara Bareilles, Imogen Heap, Melody Gardot, Darren Criss, The Civil Wars, Mumford & Sons, Alicia Keys, John Mayer…seriously, it might not be the genre you like but I’m just proving that there are, in fact, musicians that aren’t all about the crap that’s on the radio.

       Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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"Always Remember Me," Ry Cuming

Bonjour,

     So, not much has happened around here since the last post and I find that very much so depressing. Just to warn you, I’m feeling quite emotional right now, so this may be one of those, “My God, she’s complaining” posts. Sorry.

     I’ve started my new job at the Halloween store and I like it so far. I’m in charge of monster make-up most of the time but having to stay on my feet for that long kinda sucks. I’m just glad to be earning money again because I miss being able to do what I want to do; it seems like nowadays everything is ruled by money.  Anyway, the people that work there seem to be nice and I hope I’ve made a good impression on them so far but I’ll keep you updated.

     School is going well as well but the way they assign homework is just silly. Most of my classes have an online companion part of the class and it seems like you have to check it everyday to make sure you’re doing what you need to be doing. I’ll admit that I’m not enjoying the education part of college just because it’s school and no one likes school. Plus, I don’t feel like I’m making many friends and that makes me miss everyone from all my shows even more.

     Speaking of my cast friends, I miss them all so much. Honestly, it makes me cry sometimes to think that I won’t be able to see them very often. Here it’s hard to find people that have the same interests as you whereas when you’re in a show with someone, you’re forced to get to know them because you spend so much time with them. Plus, they’ve already auditioned for the show so you know they at least like theatre. I’m just so awkward so it’s hard for me to meet people and get to know them. I miss my theatre people more than I can express in words and none of them are willing to travel as far away as I live which makes it even harder for me. I just don’t have the money to spend on the gas it would take to go there.

     I miss him too. I hate that I miss him so much and I honestly think about him everyday but I highly doubt he thinks of me. Actually, I’m pretty sure that he hasn’t thought of me once since I moved away. I hate that because I think all the time, “Wonder how he’s doing,” or “I’d really like to see him today.” I wish I could turn those thoughts and feelings off but I can’t; they’re there and they won’t leave me alone. I’m actually scared to email him or text him because now that he knows how I feel about him, I’m scared he’ll think I’m being clingy or crazy. I have a feeling that Valentine’s Day next year is going to be the death of me. 

     In entertainment news, I had to resign from the Warblettes. Also, I have to put aside theatre and performing due to my education. The urge to perform is unreal and I miss the sound of applause. I can’t wait to start working on my Musical Theatre major, it’s going to be a ball!

     That’s all for now, if you’ve read this, thank you. If you honestly care about my journey, thank you so much. I hope all of you are doing alright and I can’t wait to hear from my pen pals.

       Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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"It Doesn’t Hurt," Katie Thompson

Bonjour,

     Second post from the new place. I’ve been here for about a week and so far it’s been pretty awesome. However, there was a few issues such as the earthquake and then the hurricane that decided to visit me while my roommate decided to go home for the weekend. Other than that, it’s been pretty great. I <3 College.

     On the note of my roommate, she’s awesome! It’s kinda crazy how much we have in common seeing as we literally came into this situation complete strangers. I’m so glad we’re getting along, though, because that was one of my fears…that my roommate and I wouldn’t get along. She’s really cool, though. We’ve already had insane giggle fits about silly things and talked about things that we needed advice on. It’s been an awesome new start.

     If you saw my letter I posted to “You” where I was confessing some deep feelings to someone…they broke up with the psycho they were dating. I told him how I felt about a week after that and…I’m just a friend…as fucking usual. Guess the quote under my default really does apply to me… It’s okay, though, this is college and there are plenty of amazing guys out there. I’ll be thinking of him constantly but hopefully I’ll meet that guy that makes me forget about him. I mean, there is a cute guy that sits next to me in History and another cute guy in my Math class so, you never know. :{D

     Life here has been pretty chill due to a nice routine that has been created due to my lovely college classes. I just hate to think that theatre will not be a part of my life for two years. TWO YEARS! That means two year of no auditions, two years of no play rehearsals, and two years of no creating lovely theatre people families. I think I’m going to be sick! D}: I can’t wait until I get to start working on my major, it’s going to be SO fun!

     The Halloween store I’m going to be working at opens in a few days…I still have no idea when I’m supposed to work or anything like that but I was promised a job and that’s all I care about! I’m excited, though! It’s a Halloween store and Halloween is my favorite holiday and it’s during my favorite season. Exciting! Plus, here Halloween is a HUGE deal so that means I’ll probably be meeting lots of other college kids that also love Halloween and that’s completely awesome!

     I wanted to mention that I hit 100 followers today! Thanks to everyone that has the desire to know what’s going on in my mediocre life. You guys seriously are the best! Also, to my pen pals, my address has changed so when I write you back, I’ll send you an address card. :{D

      Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

 

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"Someday My Prince Will Come," Snow White

Bonjour,

     So here’s my first post from the new apartment. Wow, I can’t believe that I have my own place. I must say, it’s incredibly terrifying. I hope luck turns around for me though because I’ve only been here for 24 hours and my ceiling is leaking, my roommate hasn’t shown up which makes me incredibly lonely, and I’ve spent so much money my head wants to spin. I keep telling myself that I’m going to go hang out at  the pool but when I pass by it I see all these gorgeous college girls in their tiny bikinis and I get intimidated.

     Anyway, West Side Story went so very well and it pains me to think about it because I miss them so terribly much. I see them making plans to hang out and I realize that I can’t join because I live and hour and a half away…it pains me to get on facebook now. Anyway, we killed our last performance with all our energy and excitement and tears were streaming down our faces by curtain call. I still get teary-eyed thinking about it. I never imagined I grow so close to that cast; we were all like a tight-knit family. I’m lucky enough to have had two more night after the show to keep them close to my heart. ;{D

     I’m so sad to report that I don’t think I’m going to be involved in any theatre for the next two years due to my education. I can’t fool around with my grades like I did in high school because to transfer, like I want to, I basically have to be an honor student. I can totally do that if I put my mind to it…so I will. I hope to meet up with someone that likes the same music as I do so we can do little gigs here and there around town. That involves me actually meeting people…yeah. When it comes to work, I have a seasonal job at a Halloween store that I’m quite excited about. I adore Halloween so it’s a treat for me. My classes seem to be pretty reasonable but still…it’s school. We all know I’d rather be doing something else. *cough*theatre*cough* 

     Well, that about wraps it up for my first post in the new place; it’s nice to be somewhere without any rules. However, it sucks when you go to reach for the Ben & Jerry’s and you remember that you don’t have any because you have to pay for your own shit and you can’t afford it. Mom and Dad spoiled me, I know. Tomorrow is my first day of classes but I only have one class. Don’t envy me too much, it’s at 8am. Gosh, I just want someone to talk to because it’s so quiet here. I miss my friends…I’ll eventually meet people right? Hopefully I’ll meet some nice people at the complex’s pool movie night on Thursday. Who knows, maybe I’ll go to the party at the pool tomorrow? (Movie night just seems safer to me.)

     Thus far, that’s “The Story of My Life…” Jamie Alex 

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"My Man," Regina Spektor

Dear you,

     I’m merely writing this to get all these thoughts out of my mind, however, I don’t think you’ll ever truly leave my mind until I say these things to your face. I bet you’re wondering, “Why don’t you just say this to me?” First off, you have a girlfriend and I’m not a home wrecker. Second, I’m terrified and I’m honestly not afraid to admit that. I don’t want you to think this is a result of “that night” because I’m not one of those girls that will easily develop a genuine crush on someone. Plus, this is an inner battle my mind has been at war with for a while now. Sure, I’ve had these little crushes on certain people but I feel as if this could be the biggest crush I’ve ever had on someone. Actually, I think this might be more than a crush.
      Logic is screaming, “He has a girlfriend, you idiot. Even if he were to break up with her, chances are you’re totally not his type and even if, by some temporary moment of insanity on his part, you were, he’s only got six months in the state. Plus, he said he didn’t want another relationship in NC.” My emotional side would scream back, “He’s such a charmer, though. I know we have a great friendship forming but what if it could be more? I might not be his type but I’m sure as hell not going to have that “what if” feeling in the back of my mind for the rest of my life. What if he does want something more? We could spend what little time he has here in NC together and even if it breaks my heart to see him go, I’ll have those months of memories to keep me company.” I fucking hate this feeling. That’s what was wrong with me that night when I was so quiet. I didn’t want to say anything because I knew that it would fuck things up, make things awkward, and break my heart.
     You say all the time that you don’t know what the appeal is when it comes to you and that makes me want to slap the hell out of you. First of all, and you know this one, your voice makes angels weep because they can’t sing half as good as you can. Secondly, you’re insanely funny and that’s insanely cute. Third, you’re such a cutie and it’s sad that you can’t see that. Fourth, you’re such a charmer that I’m sure you almost always get what you want. Then there’s the fact that I feel comfortable around you, like conversation is effortless and we can just be real, have fun, and listen to great music; for me to feel like that is really rare. I love how similar we are, honestly. Being able to talk to you and know that you’ll, 90% of the time, agree with me is a pretty awesome feeling. I’m so entirely comfortable around you that it’s unreal. The other day I had an old t-shirt and gym shorts on, I was wearing no make-up and my hair was up but I felt just fine with you. God, I wish you knew how rare that feeling is for me
     Honestly, I’ve asked so many people for advice about all of this because I don’t know what the hell to do! Some people tell me that I should think really hard about this because you are such the charmer but others tell me to just go for it because it’s better than wondering “What if?” I’d never tell you any of this while you’re still in a relationship because I’m not a stupid home wrecker. Even if you weren’t in a relationship, I still think I’d be very resentful as to tell you how I feel because I’m scared. I’ve seen the way you look at “Her” and other attractive women and then I look at me and I’m nothing like them. I’ve listened to you talk about girls like “That Girl” and I’m nothing like her and will never be so why should I believe a guy interested in girls like that would ever be attracted to me? I’m most likely going to have to listen to you tell me how you think I’m a great person but you don’t see me as anything other than a friend. Here I am though, putting myself out there, wearing my heart on my sleeve, and knowing that I could possibly get my heart shattered but here’s what I’m basically saying: I think I might be falling in love with you. I’m not sure but…yeah.

I’m not expecting anything,
Jamie Alex